What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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