I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
