Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
