im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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