I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
