I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
