I want to have your abortion
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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