it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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