the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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