in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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