saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
