He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We have started to decorate penises.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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