beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I need to align my fucking chakras
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