new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
