Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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