When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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