i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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