dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
