I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
