Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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