I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Randomize
