Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
