Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Can I color on your dick again?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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