omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
