3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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