Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
