There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
