Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
