I could make wine with my vomit
He uses pillows to masturbate.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
