I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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