so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Come share oat with me in your robe
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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