Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize