I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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