Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
