Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
