Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you traded sex for a burrito?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
