Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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