I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You ruined the universe
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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