I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
