so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
