having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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