Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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