My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize