I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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