Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You need Xanax blowdarts
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I'm bleeding and have questions
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
