Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
She said her name was "party"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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