Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why can't burritos get me drunk
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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