On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
