So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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