my phone needs a breathalizer
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Randomize
