I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Randomize
