I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
