We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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