i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize