4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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