I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
