normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
