can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
