I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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