I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Randomize
