shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
