You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize
